So this post is going to cover two separate, but related (in the fact that it involves me) topics. One is sports (yay sports!) and the other is boys (yay boys!). I’m going to start off with sports, coming off of my final first indoor track meet and currently travelling to another meet.
I am afraid to compete.
I don’t mean the concept of competing, or even right before competing. I’m talking about how I feel fear in the moment of actually competing.
Last week, when I was called “on deck” (meaning I’m the next competitor) I started to notice some nerves kick in. But that’s nothing new, everyone gets nerves, no matter how prepared you feel you are.
The difference was that every time I stepped inside the ring (to do shot put), it was like this panic would seize my throat.
In a split second, all I could feel, is pressure. Just this overwhelming sense of pressure. Not nerves, this tsunami of crippling fear.
Like a mini panic attack.
And as quickly as I threw, all I felt was a wave a disappointment.
For the past week I’ve been trying to pin point what exactly the fuck is going on. And I think I understand. Maybe (The brain is hell weird guys).
I get anxious competing. Almost crippling anxiety. Like when people get extreme stage fright and freeze, that’s me in the ring.
And now I’m sitting here feeling anxious about my anxiety. Now this is something I know I have had since High School, but this is getting to a new point.
The difference is that I understand what is going on, and I know not to get worked up because my anxiety just creates irrational thoughts.
Yet, that does not stop the feelings. I hate this more, because there are no thoughts. I am in the moment, it just so happens that the moment is filling me with this sense of screaming and being frozen at the same time.
And I honestly don’t know what to do, because it’s not an irrational thoughts, it’s an unspoken feeling.
I’ve been telling myself that I should just try to enjoy myself and have fun this season. I have bad hands, knees, and a questionable shoulder. I am the ONLY thrower (men and women’s teams), so I need to stay chill or else this will become I really depressing season. I’ve come to terms that the athlete I imagined I would be when I was a freshman, is no where near the athlete I am now. I am realistic.
But I’m learning the hard way that a year of therapy and mindfulness does not erase 10+ years of “kill or be killed” mentality.
Because no matter how much I tell myself “it doesn’t matter”, I’ve been conditioned to believe how I perform on a meet is the only way to validate my place on the team, validate my existence as an athlete.
It is so hard to fucking break away from that mindset.
It hurts cause I feel like I’m in this weird space of leadership on the team, especially when it comes to mental health. This current mentality I have makes it hard for me to say to teammates, “Listen, get the help you need. It’ll make you better.” when inside I’m just like, “Yeah, when I’m about to throw I feel like I’m going to vomit and break down into tears at the same time.”
All hope is not lost, though. I am optimistic that just like my panic attacks, the more I am exposed to certain feelings, the more I will be able to overcome them.
I am seeing my therapist in a couple of weeks, so this is something we’ll discuss and I can leave with some context to help me out.
I also need to get a refill on my anti-depressants because maybe my drugs can ease my feelings of impending doom. Lol.
Now moving on to boys (yay boys!).
First off, I hate when people try to tell you your feelings about someone else. Especially, when you never really trust your own feelings .
So needless to say, when it comes to this guys I don’t trust any emotions that I have, and your girl is not trying to catch feelings. (If these feelings try me, they will catch these hands).
But when I think of this guy, I think about what I want in life. Understanding and stability (and by understanding, I mean a strong understanding of meme culture. Cause if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my dank memes.)
[I’m sorry about these jokes, I’m just nervous].
I’m a little bit confused of this situation, because there’s also Cthulhu guy (from previous posts). And I like him, but it’s hard cause we don’t see each other and essentially are waiting until we both graduate before trying anything.
Due to some recent events some friends of mine are trying to explain that there is something between me and this guy friend of mine. I mean maybe, I don’t know, I don’t think so. I mostly see us as really good friends. Ever since we’ve known each other he’s been with me through thick and thin. (I can see a group of my friends reading that last line and just loudly saying, “MHMMM.”)
And so what if when I first met him I had a small crush? I was a sophomore and he was a junior, cut your girl some slack.
But since that dumb crush he’s become a really great friend, and I’m lucky that he’s actually one of the good guys.
That’s rare in itself because I normally surround myself with assholes, just like me.
But yeah feelings.
(I also realize that by discussing this within the context of a blog instead of I don’t know, ACTUALLY TALKING TO SAID DUDE, I am again revealing how bad I am talking about emotions and feelings.)
Do I like him?
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to spend time with him if I didn’t. That was dumb question, next.
Do you like him like that?
Did you just need read the first half of my post dedicated to that fact that I feel fear when I’m competing? I am clearly not in the right mental/emotional state to answer that question.
Well you said you couldn’t imagine you life without him.
I mean I say the same thing about Khan, but I’m not going to sleep with my cat.
But don’t even get me started on my Cthulhu,
And it’s shit like this is why I’m single.
I don’t know. I shouldn’t have emotions.
See you all next week.