Feelings suck when you don’t trust them.

I honestly don’t have anything crazy to talk about.

I mean I feel like everything has been on the up and up in this ol’ gals life. My meds have settled down with making my face numb (that was a thing) and I have been eating regularly.  I’ve started working out again and I don’t feel like bashing my own skull in.

So I’m going to talk about something I’m a little hesitant about, mostly because it involves bringing another person into the conversation. Someone who happens to be a boy.

A boy.

That I have feelings for?

The story of our date is one that will probably be my go to favorite “how did you meet” story.

Long story short, I met a guy by pretending to be Cthulhu (essentially a sea monster) on Tinder (a “dating” social media app).

Anyway, I met the guy (who I’ll refer to as Guy since I’m not sure if he’ll read this or not) and I felt like we hit it off really well.

Now Guy and I have been talking for quite some time and we would hang out more (or I believe we would), but Guy’s wisdom teeth decided to show up and screw up his mouth. So he’s been out of it and our (my) work schedules make it hard to see each other. And these are obstacles that really do my brain in.

Having anxiety makes talking to a guy for a long period is a struggle at times. The lack of stability, especially in the early stages really does me in because I’m always worried about not coming off as “crazy”. Communication is a huge thing for me, so when there is a lack of communication the irrational thoughts kick in. Like bust through the door, S.W.A.T. team style.

“Why hasn’t he texted back?”

“Maybe he’s ghosting.”

“Don’t text him again. He didn’t respond to the last one.”

“Don’t send that text, you seem like you’re being clingy.”

“He doesn’t need to talk to you everyday.”

“Why does he hang out with his friends but never seems into hanging out with you.”

“You don’t know what’s going through his mind.”

“He could easily message back.”

“He doesn’t like you.”

“Jump ship while you can.”

“Why are you putting so much energy into this, it’s not the same for him.”

“Don’t listen to the thoughts in your head.”

“Do you even like him, or just the idea of him?”

“Why doesn’t he want to see you?”

“Why hasn’t he texted back?”

Now I completely understand his teeth have decided to come in like a wrecking ball, but my irrational thoughts don’t care. And it’s these thoughts that make it hard for me to really want relationships. Now I love the idea of relationships, but the only thing that calms those thoughts is stability (or in this case, going steady.) But obviously that doesn’t make sense for someone you’ve seen a couple of times even though you text and etc a lot.

No one wants to be forced into a relationship and like great bread, it takes time.

But I’m scared.

I’ve been burned before. I’ve put effort into a road only to find out it was a one way street.

But I like this guy and I’m trying really hard to tell the thoughts to shut up. I’m trying really hard to not fall into my own trap and try to smother Guy. I don’t want to come off as crazy. I don’t want to be seen as a mental case.

And it’s so hard and time consuming. I have to double check every thought I have. I have to check every feeling or emotion when it comes to this situation. I have to go over everything I send him to make sure I don’t seem like I’m being crazy. Constantly switching between a “I don’t a give damn what he thinks.” and “Oh I hope he doesn’t think I’m crazy.” mentality.

This is not about playing a mental game with Guy, but with myself. Because when it comes to my feelings, my mind likes to play a lot of cruel jokes on me so I’ve learned to be twice as cautious. And this caution means I tend to not make a lot of effort when it comes to meeting guys because it takes a lot out of me.

And as much as I want to be super upfront about my mental health and be honest of what’s going on in my head, I understand there’s still a stigma against being so open about mental health and it may turn people off.

But Guy hasn’t gone completely MIA, yet.

So maybe that’s a good sign.

Maybe.

I don’t think he’s read the blog yet.