Howdy everyone. I do apologize for the horrible delay with the posts. Work has been hectic, I picked up boxing classes, and I have been trying to study for the GRE/get work done for grad school applications. When I finally felt like I got everything together, I had to evacuate because of a Hurricane. Your girl has been busy.
That being said I have thought about posting but honestly, my teens/high school were some of the worst memories I can think of when it comes to red flags of my anxiety. Mostly because, to be honest, they weren’t subtle flag, they were in your face.
The memory that comes to the front of my mind, is when I thought I lost my car keys and I had a breakdown in the parking lot of my high school. Thankfully I had a friend (shout out to SATAN [friend’s nickname, she is still a great friend to this day]) who stayed with me and helped me retrace all of my steps to see where I left my car keys. The red flag was that I was manic and on the verge to tears that I couldn’t find those keys, but as soon as we located them I acted as if nothing had happened at all.
This is still a moment where I look back and think, “Yeah, something wasn’t right bout that.”
High school wasn’t the greatest time for me, no matter how good my resume/transcript looked my senior year.
I was a successful student and athlete. I’d like to think that I was well liked by the people that knew me, they definitely would’ve tapped me into a fight if that counts for something. I didn’t have a solid group of friends, I had some ride or dies, but we weren’t a group. I mean I guess there was the high school track team, but too much has happened with that group as a whole that left me with my own shit to work through.
Because of Hurricane Florence Khan (my cat) and I had to come home, and now I’ve been here for over a week cause I can’t get back to Wilmington.
It was nice at first, but the longer I stay the more all of this past shit gets dragged up to the front of my mind. Shit I thought I’ve moved past, but I guess I never faced in the first place.
Coming home, made me realize how some of my happiest memories in this house only occurred after I officially moved out. I moved out my sophomore year of college in 2015. We moved into this house around 2003. All those years, and the things that stick out were how unhappy I was for a good portion of that time. It made coming home sad, because I was unhappy so much and I wish I was happy when I was younger. It made me sad because I’m still unhappy and I may always be a little unhappy for the rest of my life. It made my heart break thinking that in all the years of growing up I couldn’t remember a solid year where I was more happy than anxious, nervous, unhappy on the inside.
I may have been born with my anxiety and depression, but that’s not to say it doesn’t fucking suck to realize it robbed me of my childhood.
Another thing is that coming home just really sets in how much of my past I’ve let dictate how I want to live my life now. I was supposed to be the “successful” student, but I don’t feel successful. I am in crippling credit card debt (my parents know and know that I am working hard to fix it but it’ll probably take years). I have a full time job that is good for me, but I don’t use my degree. I work out but I still feel out of shape and dislike the body I’m in. I have social anxiety whenever I go to bars and clubs because I feel like I don’t fit into the scene. I fear that I either there’s something wrong with me and that I won’t find a relationship with someone that actually gives a shit about me. I’m afraid that I won’t get accepted into grad school. I’m afraid that I peaked in college.
I’m afraid I have made some wrong turn somewhere in my life and that I can’t go back.
I’m afraid that I thought I’ve changed, but I haven’t.
I’m afraid that I thought I was good, but I’m not.
I feel like I need a friend but everyone seems to have their shit together, so I get my shit together. I suck up the loneliness and chalk it up to life.
I pretend to be confident. Fake it till you make it. I tell my friends to be confident with their decisions, but I’m not even confident in myself.
I want to be happy with myself, but honestly I’m not. I post the happy stories, the pick me ups online, but when the screen goes dark, the messages say zero, shit gets hard.
But I keep my head up. I’m the rock, the strong one, I have friends that rely on me. I have friends that come to me for advice. I oddly have people that look up to me. So I suck up all this up. I go to therapy. I work out. I go to work. I eat food with friends. I live my life.
Note:
I know this chapter doesn’t really talk about incidents that happened in my teens, that’s mostly because I was more interested in talking about how these things still affected me to this day.
I did attempt to commit suicide during High School. It wasn’t the first time, and while I’m working really hard, and am in an actual good place where I don’t see myself getting that low, I’m not dumb enough to say it’d be the last time I get close.
I’m sorry I didn’t end the chapter on lighter note, but I will be going back to my “normal updates”. I guess to end this on a lighter note here’s a song that has resonated with me while I’ve been home. I won’t analyse it but I think the song/music video speak enough on their own.
Until the next post.
Be you and stay authentic my lil homies.
Alexis
I'm a Sad Blob 
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