Not Going to Lie, I’m Nervous to Post This

I know it’s been a while since I last posted.

When I say things have been crazy, they have been wild in the best possible ways. Before my 22nd birthday I had put in my two weeks notice at my old job and have been working at my current job for almost a month now. (That whole transition is going to be another post.)

I’ve also started seeing this guy, and I’m happy and nervous all at the same time.

I’ve never felt more comfortable with a guy before, and my brain is starting to produce some irrational thoughts. I’ve talked about my mental health with him, and he has shown me nothing but support. Last night we were talking about “us”, and for a rare moment, I just couldn’t find the words to express my feelings.

Even this post feels like a train wreck, in my head (I think I’m either getting a cold, or recovering from one so cut me some slack please).

Because I’m happy, so happy, but also scared.

I have never felt like I’ve clicked with someone (as a love interest) as easily as I had with him. He respects me, is nice to me, and seems good for me.

But I’ve been burned before, so my brain doesn’t care about his good points. I truly believe this guy wouldn’t hurt me, not intentionally, but the more relaxed I am with him, the more my brain starts producing these irrational thoughts.

“It’s a chemical reaction.”

“You’re just happy you don’t have to spend the night alone.”

“You just like the idea of being with someone.”

“He’s just saying this.”

“You only think it’s real.”

And then I get nervous. What if I overstep some imaginary line while trying to prove to myself this is real. If I post about him, it’ll be real. If I tell my friends and family, this will be real, right?

But what if it turns out it’s not? Or what if I do something (like this post) that takes it a step too far?

I’ve been good mentally.  I only go to see my therapist once every 3 months (shout out to Dr. Savard), and I haven’t been on antidepressants since this past June.

I have always known relationships could break me. There are so many uncertainties, there are so many things I don’t have control over.

But I do have control over how I react to them, so for right now it’s a little bit of a battle between my brain and myself.

And this time, I plan on winning.

When he puts his arm around me and kisses my forehead, it quiets my insecurities. When he makes me laugh, it eases my anxiety. When he holds my hand, it feels real.

We feel real.

When we’re together, I feel like I can be myself.

It’s been a short time, but things just feel right.

And I think he feels the same about me.

I’m still anxious about us, but things are getting easier and I would be stupid not to recognize part of it is because he’s a good guy.

Thanks babe.

I promise the next post won’t be this sappy, but I needed to sort some things out and thought some people could relate to this.  I also wanted to ease my way back into posting.

Until the next post lil homies,

Alexis